I want to believe

I really appreciate the support from my friends and family. I wish that all of your support for me would translate into weight loss, but I realize that no one can lose weight for me. I have to do the work. Simple but true. Everyday I need to celebrate the steps I make in the right direction. I need to stop the negative self talk. It has to stop. Today I ate healthy for the first half of the day. True that it was only the first half of the day, but I will be grateful for that one step in the right direction. Someone posted this on Facebook the other day and it truly resonated with me. I don't believe in my own beauty, it doesn't matter what others say about me. Good or bad I have to believe I am beautiful just as I am. If I don't believe in myself I will never know true beauty. 

This is super frustrating!

I started working out this last week. Circuit training with weights. It is so hard! I like that I'm sore because it feels like it is working, but it also puts me in a very crummy mood. I think my problem is I don't handle the least bit of pain very well. I don't handle physical pain well and I especially don't handle emotional pain well. It feels like I'm in a battle with my negative self talk. I run this dialog subconsciously through my head...you're not good enough, you have too much weight to loose, it doesn't matter if you do because you will always be flawed. I feel like everyone can see my self-loathing; it is 100 extra pounds that I am literally dragging around with me. This weight I carry around with me is a physical manifestation of all my emotional pain. I feel guilty for feeling depressed. I have not experienced huge loss, I'm lucky to have the life I do, so it feels wrong when I want more. Everyday I'm fighting a battle inside and some days the positive fun-loving gal is winning and sometimes the sad girl is winning. It's especially challenging to loose this weight when it is not just about having more will power. I'm overwhelmed by how much I need to loose to be at a healthy weight. I can't believe I'm posting this whine-fest. But it is my truth right now. There are some things that were great about this week, I did spend more time with my sister-in-law and good friends. I heard a new, uplifting song from Sara Bareilles called BRAVE. Google it if you haven't heard it already. I guess it's brave to share my real feelings, so there's that.

What we see is deceiving.

If Barbie were a real woman she would be 6ft tall, weight 101 lbs. and be a size 4 dress size. The average store mannequin is also 6 ft tall and a size 6. Fashion models are 5'9" to 5'11", weight 105 to 115 lbs, and wear a size 2-4.

The average woman is 5'4", weights 145 lbs, and wears a size 14.

Less than 1% of the US population fits the media portrayed image of beauty. This is what we face daily in the media.

What I learned from Cinderella

"Standards of beauty are arbitrary. Body shame exists only to the extent that our physiques don't match our own beliefs about how we should look." ~ Martha Beck.
Now the question is what do we believe we should look like? And where do those beliefs come from? I think these beliefs begin very early. At least for me they began early on. We hear comments like "what a beautiful little girl, she has such gorgeous eyes"...and if we are pretty than we must be nice people, we will always succeed. Just look at Cinderella, she was suffering under the tyrannical reign of her hideous step mother and ugly step sisters. Stuck as their personal slave. Thus, ugly=mean and pretty=kind. In spite of her cruel step family Cinderella remains sweet and kind. Then she is freed from this oppression by a prince and not just any prince, a handsome prince. Now that she is rescued she lives happily ever after. This sets the precedence for us that good things come to beautiful people. You don't have to do anything except wait for rescue. I think this truly is the belief of a large part of society. Look at all the beautiful celebrities, they are practically worshiped for their appearance. Gratefully, now we get to decide what beauty is for ourselves. Luckily, as we mature so does our understanding of real beauty. What does real beauty look like to you?

That explains it!

This you tube video made so much sense to me and falls in line with what my Psychiatrist has been talking to me about. Thought I would share the wealth. :)The Science of Appetite

Liberated from fear!

That is what all of you have you have done for me. I feel liberated from the fear of what others might think of my actual feelings. It feels honest and I thank you all for receiving it so kindly. I'm reminded of a quote from Marianne Williams "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear as that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God! Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It's not just in some of us it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others."

Concerning Sara: Preview "Thin Models"

Concerning Sara: Preview "Thin Models"http://www.blisstree.com/2012/08/23/beauty-shopping/skinny-doesnt-sell