This is super frustrating!

I started working out this last week. Circuit training with weights. It is so hard! I like that I'm sore because it feels like it is working, but it also puts me in a very crummy mood. I think my problem is I don't handle the least bit of pain very well. I don't handle physical pain well and I especially don't handle emotional pain well. It feels like I'm in a battle with my negative self talk. I run this dialog subconsciously through my head...you're not good enough, you have too much weight to loose, it doesn't matter if you do because you will always be flawed. I feel like everyone can see my self-loathing; it is 100 extra pounds that I am literally dragging around with me. This weight I carry around with me is a physical manifestation of all my emotional pain. I feel guilty for feeling depressed. I have not experienced huge loss, I'm lucky to have the life I do, so it feels wrong when I want more. Everyday I'm fighting a battle inside and some days the positive fun-loving gal is winning and sometimes the sad girl is winning. It's especially challenging to loose this weight when it is not just about having more will power. I'm overwhelmed by how much I need to loose to be at a healthy weight. I can't believe I'm posting this whine-fest. But it is my truth right now. There are some things that were great about this week, I did spend more time with my sister-in-law and good friends. I heard a new, uplifting song from Sara Bareilles called BRAVE. Google it if you haven't heard it already. I guess it's brave to share my real feelings, so there's that.

What we see is deceiving.

If Barbie were a real woman she would be 6ft tall, weight 101 lbs. and be a size 4 dress size. The average store mannequin is also 6 ft tall and a size 6. Fashion models are 5'9" to 5'11", weight 105 to 115 lbs, and wear a size 2-4.

The average woman is 5'4", weights 145 lbs, and wears a size 14.

Less than 1% of the US population fits the media portrayed image of beauty. This is what we face daily in the media.

What I learned from Cinderella

"Standards of beauty are arbitrary. Body shame exists only to the extent that our physiques don't match our own beliefs about how we should look." ~ Martha Beck.
Now the question is what do we believe we should look like? And where do those beliefs come from? I think these beliefs begin very early. At least for me they began early on. We hear comments like "what a beautiful little girl, she has such gorgeous eyes"...and if we are pretty than we must be nice people, we will always succeed. Just look at Cinderella, she was suffering under the tyrannical reign of her hideous step mother and ugly step sisters. Stuck as their personal slave. Thus, ugly=mean and pretty=kind. In spite of her cruel step family Cinderella remains sweet and kind. Then she is freed from this oppression by a prince and not just any prince, a handsome prince. Now that she is rescued she lives happily ever after. This sets the precedence for us that good things come to beautiful people. You don't have to do anything except wait for rescue. I think this truly is the belief of a large part of society. Look at all the beautiful celebrities, they are practically worshiped for their appearance. Gratefully, now we get to decide what beauty is for ourselves. Luckily, as we mature so does our understanding of real beauty. What does real beauty look like to you?

That explains it!

This you tube video made so much sense to me and falls in line with what my Psychiatrist has been talking to me about. Thought I would share the wealth. :)The Science of Appetite

Liberated from fear!

That is what all of you have you have done for me. I feel liberated from the fear of what others might think of my actual feelings. It feels honest and I thank you all for receiving it so kindly. I'm reminded of a quote from Marianne Williams "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear as that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God! Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It's not just in some of us it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others."

Concerning Sara: Preview "Thin Models"

Concerning Sara: Preview "Thin Models"http://www.blisstree.com/2012/08/23/beauty-shopping/skinny-doesnt-sell

Thin Models

So, this blog is about to take a turn, hopefully for the better, but I can't make any promises. I guess it doesn't matter because really it's just more of a therapy thing for me. I have obsessed about my appearance and weight in some way or another as most women do, but I'm sick of the shame and guilt surrounding my own weight so I want to write about it. I think that it's something that most women I know can relate to and I want to share my journey with you. I read that most people would rather date a drug addict than someone who is overweight. Really?! Rather date a drug addict! In general (and I don't think I am being overly harsh in my assessment), drug addicts can be real assholes; selfish, narcissistic, and manipulative. The majority of people would rather have THAT than someone who is overweight! WOW! Here's the thing, it's not that people aren't wonderful to me and tell me I'm beautiful. I have that, thanks to wonderful friends and family. It's just that society is screaming pretty loudly the complete opposite. I don't want this blog to be a bitch-fest, just want to share some insights into the Obese Obsessed Roller Coaster. I know there are far worse things to struggle with, but this is mine and maybe someone out there can relate. Maybe we as a society can change the way we approach the overweight person. Today I read this article online. They are starting to do touch up's on skinny models to make them look more curvy. I thought this was interesting...in one way this is good, but they can't hire women who actually look this way? Maybe that is the way things will go now. What do you think?